So, Yesterday at work kind of blew ass. My manager was a fucking bitch. She made me feel like shit as she always does whenever she works. Barking wheezy orders at me, never being polite about it at all. She almost made me cry as she was being so inconsiderate. We had rush after rush and our other cook, Charles, never showed up so poor Benny wound up working a 13 hour shift.
But luckily, being in the worse mood I had just stopped talking, something cheered me up less than an hour after clock off time. A man from Denmark came in and I had a very nice long chat with him about the Marx Brothers. He had a lovely accent and was very kind. He was telling me how much he liked it in America and he was telling me about all the places he had visited. Then he went to his car to get a book for me to look at. It was a book about a member of the Rolling Stones and in the book was an encounter between the member of RS and Groucho Marx. It was rather funny and he had a right chat about it. Get this...He left me a dollar on the table because I was so nice! ^_^ He was a really great guy and I wish we had more people like that over here. He made my day much more enjoyable and I don't even care about how the rest of the day was because it doesn't matter. :]

The movie Fan Boys pretty much kicks hardcore ass! I love it tons. It actually inspired me to write something new and so I'll be working on this new untitled project. If you're interested in reading it let me know. I'll message it to you or e-mail it to you. I love feedback. It's currently only on paper and I'm going to wait until it's finished until I type it so it might be a bit. :] Hit me up if you have questions. I have a feeling this one is going to be good. :D

I'm hangin with Jess tonight, It'll be freakin sweet as always :D Jess is amazing, truly a great friend. No plans for the rest of the week. Let me know if you wanna hang out :D

So, I've been going through a lot of ups and downs lately. Trying to find myself and change a bit thanks to someone I know. I have tried everything I can to make up for what I have done. I'm trying to say sorry to everyone I have hurt and I have meant it. Every single time I have said it I have meant it. But people still won't give me the time of day. Does this mean I'm not good enough for myself? I thought so...I really did. Because some of them wouldn't talk to me and one in particular no matter how much they say they care it just doesn't appear that way to me. Maybe I'm just being blind and they're being sincere in which case I withdraw the last statement. But in my experience I'm sure I'm almost a little right. I want to be friends with this person. I truly do. And I want to be at least tolerable to everyone around this person. Because I am sorry for everything I did. EVERYTHING. I would like to clear the air and state that I have changed and I promise to follow through with that statement.

However, remember all of which I have just said? Well, some people have decided that I am not worth their time and I am not worth their effort to hang out with or even merit a text or call. But that is fine. I felt really bad about it. Like I wasn't good enough to be in their presence. Like I was scum on their shoe and I should bow down to them to make them at least tolerate me. But upon talking to my boss and other coworkers: forget them. I am a good person and I will become even better once I start getting better at having a positive attitude. This is my first start. No more pouting about because certian people don't like me and aren't big enough to give me another chance. I will now no longer care about those who don't like me and rejoice in those who do. :D If they ever wish to talk to me or hang out with me I will welcome them with open arms because I think they are all good people. Ecspecially one of them. But if time is what they need than time I shall give them.

I have been a bad person in the past but I am on the way to changing that. I ask of you only this, if I have done something bad to you or someone you care about please give me a second chance. I am very, very sorry to any harm of which I have caused you. Call me, text me, I would love to be friends with you and hang out with you. I'm a good person and for the first time in ten years I actually believe that. Most everyone deserves a another shot at friendship. :]

Now, I have many important things to do in the way of watching Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi and playing Zoo Tycoon.

Peace out. And if you're bored and need someone to hang out with, I'm always available. :D

So, I'm spinning. I've been talking to all these people about my break up trying to figure out what it all means. All the girls are sweet and unsure but all the guys say the same thing: He just wants you as a booty call. he wants you as a reserve. HA. Probably right, I should learn never to trust anyone. He's into another girl and if she doesn't work out than maybe we can try again, I'm back up. Never front and center. Part of me never wants to think that way of Alan, never. But part of me knows it's true. He broke up with other girls to go out with other girls why should I be any different?? You know all those intimate times we shared and whatnot? Probably just a joke, people love doing that to me. I'm just some girl he could toss around, my feelings never mattered. HA.

Today, I did some really stupid shit. From now on I'm just going to put my life on the line everyday. I honestly could care less if I died and I'm sure most people feel the same way. They'd probably have a party. HA. I would love to go to that party, but sadly, like most parties, I wouldn't be invited.

I wanna down a whole bottle of pills, I want to slice my body in half but you know what? I think it'll be much more entertaining doing stupid shit. I was never worth much and now I have confirmation I'm worth nothing at all. All boys have ever told me is: You're great, you're fantastic! But you know what? You just don't quite make the grade. You just weren't as good as that girl over there. But what they hay?! I'll use you as much as I can!

Ahhh, boys. I wish I had something to believe in. I want to go crawling back, beg, tell him I could be different, everything would be different. But I'll only be met with disappointment. :] He'll just stomp on my heart. I fucked it up, he can tell me all he wants is that it wasn't but I don't believe him. I want to be best friends with him, closer than I am with anyone else but I know I'm not good enough for that either. I'll never match up to Kayla, never, never. I could never be as great as anybody else.

I'm over the edge, off the deep end, and drowning in the pool. My self destruction will be such a fun fall. Anyone up for drinkin and smokin? Because you know what? I've got some problems I just want to forget. :] Ayme?? Kari?? Lauren and Bryan?? Anyone. Who wants to watch the symbol for hope fall?? Because it's about damn time she did. :]

I wish I could feel better about myself. But this ordeal has taught me I don't even deserve a second thought.

I hope everyone is having a good time though. :]] If you need someone to talk to, let me know. I'm an empty shell waiting to help. :] Don't worry about me, I'm fine. :]